Sexual Intimacy in Marriage Page 3
Being affected by something that happened during our marriage
Marriages are complex; they are full of ups and downs. Therefore, there is going to be more than one occasion that has certain experiences that hurt to remember. We need to consider something, however. If you are still with someone, it is because you decided to be with them regardless of anything else that might have happened between the two of you. If you decided to forgive your spouse because of something they said/did, then you need to try to get over that dark experience. Basically, you need to forgive and forget. It is not enough with you doing the first one, you need to try and do the two of them. We understand that forgetting something, especially something painful is not that simple, and the truth is we might not be able to forget about it completely because it might still run through our head from time to time. However, we need to stop giving it importance. Don’t spend any time thinking about it. Any time that this bad memory pops up, you need to eradicate it, and think about something good instead. Even if it’s still in your mind, try not to speak about it. Constantly bringing up the past can be equally damaging to a relationship. When you are trying to construct something positive, you don’t need a constant reminder of the negative things. This is bad for both parties; the other person will constantly feel accused and they will eventually feel like every attempt is in vain, and that no matter how hard they try to amend things, they will always be attacked because of the past. Also, the person who is bringing it up will never be able to get healed and will start exhibiting toxic behaviors in the relationship, even though in their head, they think they are the victims. Whether what happened between you and your partner was something big or small, pointing fingers forever, especially after coming to an agreement to try to fix things, is very unhealthy. If the actions that hurt you are small issues, then think that it is not worth to bring your relationship down for something that is meaningless. If your relationship was affected by something more serious, the fact that both of you decided to overcome it and keep trying, speaks a lot. If you didn’t let an adversity break you down, do not let past memories do so.
Being affected by something that happened outside or before our marriage
It is common to be haunted by painful memories that happened before/outside our marriage, or things that don’t have anything to do with your spouse, but still somehow affect our relationship. Things that cause us great pain, no matter how deep into the past they are, can still manage to affect different aspects of our lives; but we need to let those things go for our own good and for the good of people around us. We deserve to be happy and not let anybody or anything that is no longer relevant still take a toll on our well-being. If you keep bringing these things up and bringing insecurities into your life, this is going to affect your relationship with others as well, including your relationship with your spouse. You can count on your spouse to help you, and that is absolutely fine. Be honest with your spouse. Let them know about those things that affect you, and ask them to help you leave those issues behind. Couples are there to support each other, and facing things together is the best way to overcome problems. What is not okay, however, is to blame our spouse for things they are not guilty of. As an example, let’s say that in the past you were with a partner that was unfaithful to you and now you think that your current partner will also be unfaithful even if they have done nothing to make you believe this. You can’t just assume that everybody's the same. Just because someone said or did something, doesn’t mean someone else is going to do it as well. You cannot put everybody into the same category. Your spouse is not guilty or responsible for the things that you might have experienced in the past, so why hold grudges against them? Past events sometimes bring insecurities, and it is understandable; but attacking people because of your insecurities is not alright. Do not forget that sometimes, instead of judging others, we need to judge ourselves. We have all the right to be happy, so don’t be the one who is actually getting on the way.
The ways those past ghosts can affect your relationship
You hold anger towards your significant other for something that happened between the two of you in the past.
You cannot stop thinking about the negative experiences from the past.
Bad thoughts related to past experiences are preventing you from expressing yourself the way you would like to sexually/romantically.
You feel that you cannot forgive your significant other for something they did/said.
You can’t trust people, including your significant other, for something someone else did/said.
You constantly victimize yourself.
You are stuck to the past.
You don’t believe people can change.
If you identify yourself with one the problems mentioned above, then it’s most than likely that your relationship is currently being affected by past grudges. We have previously spoken about the reasons why you might be feeling this way, and the importance of not letting things get in the way, as well as how to stop them from doing so. However, we understand that sometimes, things are not that easy to see; but even if you only suspect that your relationship is being affected, it is good to put the things you learned into practice. You don’t have to wait until things aggravate more. In fact, the sooner you tackle a problem, the better.
The moment something gets in the way of you being able to enjoy your emotional, physical, and sex life with plenitude, it is the moment you need to consider this as a problem. It is not fair for us or for our spouse to prevent ourselves from living the kind of relationship we would like to have, just because we cannot move on.
Having a relationship is easy, but in order to have a healthy and strong relationship, the people involved have to work hard and be able to enjoy every aspect of the relationship.
The ghost of previous relationships and experiences
We all have a past and it is completely normal to have had a romantic and a sexual life before being with the person you’re currently with. We can’t deny what had happened, but that does not mean we have to constantly bring it up. Many relationships suffer from a very unpleasant problem of having to constantly hear about exes, deal with them or even worse, being compared to them.
It is not okay to compare people; it is disrespectful and it can cause harm, although some people don’t seem to understand that. They think that doing so is completely innocent, but the truth is that even if your partner doesn’t say anything to you, having to hear explicit details about your romantic or sexual life with someone else is never easy and it can be very off-putting. Even if your partner is a laid-back type of person who is not jealous and whom you feel that you can talk to about anything, they still have feelings. You need to think before you speak. How would you feel if the situation was the other way around? At the end of the day, we can’t read minds, and if you are constantly speaking about a person you were with before, that might set off some red alerts in your partner and bring some insecurities since they might feel you still think too much about somebody else, or still focusing on the past.
There are two scenarios when it comes to exes, you might still talk to them or you might not. If your ex is no longer part of your life, then let it go. Focus on the new chapter of your life, and focus on the special person that is now with you. On the other hand, if your ex is still part of your life, for whatever reason, may be for personal choice or because of an obligation, then you need to draw a line. Your ex is not the person you are with; they are not your partner anymore. They are not the main priority in your life and you don’t have to base your life decisions around them or let them interfere with your personal life. Even if your ex is a good friend of yours and someone you care for, they sometimes can overstep, so for the good of your new relationship, you must not let your ex interfere even if you think they are doing it in a good way. You and only you have got to decide what to do with your life, and letting exes get in the way might potentially damage your relationship. You are not obligated to cut contact with your previ
ous partners. However, you must understand that the treatment between an ex and your spouse can’t be the same. You must be patient and considerate with your significant other and understand why they might feel uncomfortable about your ex.
As we previously mentioned, sometimes people tend to compare their spouses with an ex or a previous partner and this can be very distasteful. We would recommend that you refrain from comparing, especially, if the comparison has to do with anything physical or sexual. Some people might think it is okay to compare especially if what they have to say favors their spouse; however, your point might come across better if you don’t bring other people to the equation. There are other better ways to compliment someone. Try to do it in a way that will make your partner feel like they’re the only person that you think about in that manner. Also, do not expect your partner to act the same way or do the same things that any of your previous romantic/sexual partners did. They are their own person and should not be held to previous expectations.
Be careful with expectations
Sometimes people have an idea of what being in a relationship is supposed to be like or how sex is supposed to be. Often, this idea is based on past experiences; things we have heard from others and even certain things such as the sexual content made available through the media. However, every relationship is different, and every person has their own interests and way of doing things. Your marriage is a unique experience in all of its branches and that include sexual matters. Not everything that you hear from others would necessarily apply to you; have it in mind that if you hear it from someone else, that is from their own perspective and their criteria, which might be totally different from yours. Also, not everything you see from certain sexual content is realistic or accurate. So enjoy what you have, and if your sexual life needs improvements, do it based on the needs and desires of the two of you. Have it in mind that the sexual content you see has a purpose, which is the purpose of entertaining. The people you see through that screen are after all doing a job; they have something to sell. They are not going to show you the not so glamorous parts of sex. Sexual content often does not equal what it is like to have sex in real life. If you are not comparing yourself to the people you see performing these acts, why comparing or expecting your partner to be like that, or to do what they do? Whether you watch this kind of content or not is completely up to you; many people do, some others don’t. Nevertheless, if you are a viewer, it is okay to inspire yourself from certain things, but do not expect your sexual act to be exactly as you see it in a movie. Don’t forget what reality is like. It is actually more common than it seems to hear people saying that addiction to sexual content has taken a toll, not only on their sex lives, but on their general well-being. Do not let other things interfere with your getting pleasure through actual contact, and between you and your loved ones.
The moment you make the relationship all about the two of you only, the moment that relationship will start blossoming.
Things To Do
As A Couple
If we want to be able to live the dream relationship we want to have with our partners, we need to have a bright new approach. A bright new approach doesn’t necessarily mean to leave everything behind; it’s just the bad habits that consume our relationship and send it on a bad self-destructive path. Nevertheless, all those habits that our relationship had do not need to vanish. Together, we are going to examine some beneficial tips that can help your relationship. We understand that sometimes, it’s not easy to come up with new ideas, especially if you think you have done it all; but no need to worry, if you find something on this list that you have done in the past, you can always try it again, especially if it is something that the two of you enjoy.
Sleep together: This might sound a bit strange, especially if you and your partner always share a bed; but surprisingly, sleeping together is something not all couples do. The reasons why they don’t sleep together might vary. The two main reasons why people do this is because their relationship is currently under a rocky situation and they want to be distanced from each other, or because something about their spouse’s sleeping habits bothers them. If you and your partner are currently sleeping in separate rooms or beds we encourage you to try and change this. Sleeping together is something so simple yet so meaningful. By sleeping together, you will notice how you will instantly have a change in your relationship, since sleeping together brings us big advantages in our sexual, romantic and physical life. Do not let something simple distance you from your partner. Sleeping together is one of the easiest things you can do while still spending time with your partner.
Have sex regularly: In a previous chapter, we spoke about sex and the importance of it in a relationship. However, this is a quick reminder that sex is more than intercourse. There are different sexual acts and multiple ways to satisfy each other. Keep them in mind. Explore together. Do not see sex as a task you have to accomplish, but rather as an act that brings the two of you even closer.
Leave jealousy behind: Whether you think you have the right or not to be jealous, it is not a good feeling, and it is something that can quickly escalate from thoughts into arguments. Jealousy can lead to many problems. It can turn us into insecure, controlling people. We need to be confident about our relationship. We need to be able to trust our partners. If there is something that made you feel this way or you are just naturally a jealous person, try to let them know about the way you feel in the way best possible, without throwing accusations or sounding angry. Just be honest with your spouse. Hopefully, you two can work things together and they can try to avoid situations that will make you feel this way and reassure you that you are the only one for them. However, it is important that you learn to trust your spouse. Do not try to control all of their actions. You can’t prevent your spouse from talking to others and you can’t expect them to hang out or speak only to you. They also have the right to live their lives. Don’t give those jealous thoughts a place in your mind because jealousy can be very blinding. Do not jump to conclusions.
Be comfortable with your partner: Ideally, you feel comfortable around your partner, but it’s understandable that it is not the case for some people. For one reason or another, some people no longer feel completely comfortable around their partners anymore, to the point that they feel like they can’t be themselves and cannot do what they want to do or say what they want to say. If this is the case for any of you, you need to try to learn to feel confident around your spouse once again. Our spouses are one of the people, if not the person we spend most of the time with. So it is important that we feel relaxed around them. Normally, if any of you have gotten to this point where it basically feels like you are spending time with a stranger, you need to try and reconnect; try to keep the friendship and the romance alive.
Don’t keep things secret from each other: Make sure to keep your partner informed about your life, plans, and projects. Make sure to put them into consideration when you are taking an important decision. Talk about your feelings. Communication and trust are some of the main ingredients you need if you want a successful relationship.
Find activities to do together: It is highly important to spend time with your partner, but sometimes we need a little bit more than that. We have to make things exciting. So, a good way of spending quality time together while strengthening our relationship is to find activities that both of you enjoy. Going to the gym together, going for a walk around the woods, going to the cinema, finding a new skill to learn together, planning an interesting project, cooking, discussing trips, etc. There are so many things you can do as a couple; just find out what appeals to the two of you.
Show how much you love each other: Last but not least; never stop showing your partner how much love you’ve got for them. There is nothing better than feeling appreciated by our significant other. Even in the hardest of times, if we feel loved, we can overcome anything.
Conclusion
In brief, marriage is something so complex it’s always going to
work differently from one person to another, and things that seem usual might change from time to time. Things are not always exactly the same, and marriage is not an exception. However, change is not always a bad thing. Even in the worst scenarios where you think things are going downhill or changing for worse, there is still an opportunity to turn them around. You must remember that everything has a solution, including even the worst scenarios. Most problems that you will face through marriage can be solved, but in order for this to happen, both parties need to be willing to try and do their best. Patience is the key. Don’t expect things to work out in your first attempt. If they do, that’s great, but if they don’t, that’s not a reason to stop. You need to keep trying until it works, no matter how many times you need to try. As with many other things, we have to try our best instead of giving up easily. It is only by giving the best of ourselves that we can reach our goal and even when you have reached your goal, keep trying your best.