Sexual Intimacy in Marriage Read online

  Sexual Intimacy

  in Marriage

  Behavior in Couple's Sex Life or How to Enjoy of Sex and Strengthen Your Marriage.

  Table of Contents

  Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

  Introduction

  How well do you know your spouse?

  The importance of sex in a relationship

  The importance of showing affection in a relationship

  What if my partner isn’t co-operating?

  Reconnecting and Finding Mutual Grounds

  Lack of sex

  Different sex drives

  Different interests

  When things are hard to enjoy

  Things that can make your sex life more pleasurable

  Forgetting About Past Ghosts

  Being affected by something that happened during our marriage

  Being affected by something that happened outside or before our marriage

  The ways those past ghosts can affect your relationship

  The ghost of previous relationships and experiences

  Be careful with expectations

  Things To Do As A Couple

  Conclusion

  Introduction

  When you are married, people assume many things: your life is perfect, you’ve got nothing to worry about when it comes to relationships or sex, you have your life completely sorted, you are always happy, etc. Though that is not necessarily bad and certainly it can be flattering that people think positive things about you and your marriage, but we all know that relationships are a little more complex than that.

  Many people have the belief that once you get married, your life becomes a fairy tale, but this is not necessarily the truth. Although the idea of a fairy tale is sweet and joyful, there is one thing about it; fairy tales are made up stories; they are not real, while marriages are as real as you can get.

  There are many positive things to say about marriage and every couple has their particularly favorite moments. These, most probably include the day you got married; if you have children, when they were born; or maybe your favorite moment of the relationship is your first date or the day when you became a couple. All of these things are without a doubt, pleasant. However, once you spend time with someone every single day, it’s only natural that you have different experiences as you live together. Things are not always easy, happy and exciting; they are not always glamorous. We all have our good and bad moments, and we are constantly creating new life experiences in different ways. As an example, sometimes you have a bad day at the office, but that does not necessarily mean your work is bad. Furthermore, have you ever had a fight with anyone for whatever reason and despite of being very upset momentarily, things later got better between the two of you? Exactly! Not everything is always white or black and relationships are not exceptions.

  Sometimes we get so caught up on our day to day problems that we forget about the importance of intimacy with our significant partner, but this is an important issue in a relationship. There are many reasons why you might feel that intimacy-wise, you and your significant other are drifting apart. You may perhaps know the reason or you may not. Reading through this book, we will discuss the most frequent marriage problems and we will give you some different advices on how to address these marital/sexual issues, so that you and your partner can have a healthy and gleeful relationship.

  “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

  How well do you know your spouse?

  At first glance, this question might seem pointless to some. “Of course, I know my spouse; after all, we are married,” some might think. But this question goes much deeper than that.

  Knowing your spouse is very important, and we dare to say that it is a major key in every relationship. But for easy understanding, what does it really mean to know our spouse? It is not only to know certain information that can be easily obtained. It means to be aware of their personality, their behavior, their interests, their goals, their dreams, their pet peeves, their life experiences and in many occasions, understand the reason behind them. Regardless of the fact that you have been together for a short or a long time, it is important to know all of these. The more we know about our significant other, the closer we can get to them.

  When it comes to relationship problems, it is very common to hear about these two problems that come from two completely different scenarios:

  The first example is couples that might have a strong and quick start in their relationships. Often one, if not the two people in this type of relationship tend to be spontaneous; they tend to be driven if they want something, and they will get it or work towards it. They tend to be dreamers; they look at the happy bright side of things. These people tend to be the type of people who take a major decision such as moving in together, getting married or having children, while still at the honeymoon stage. If you haven’t heard of that term, the honeymoon stage is often known as the beginning of a relationship, normally between 3 months and a year. Many would not recommend taking a life-changing decision while still at the honeymoon stage because even though you are so much in love to someone, and it feels like the right thing to do, we might not be ready for it. This is because we are so distracted thinking only about one side, the all hearts and rainbows one that we forget about the other side, the rational and realistic one. The truth is you can catch feelings for someone very easily, there is no doubt about that, but it takes time to get to know a person. Knowing a person means knowing them in all of their different facets, both good and bad ones. Ideally, we need to know how to deal with our significant others during each one of their facets because if we know our partner very well in advance, we won’t have to deal with shocking surprises further down the line.

  Have you ever heard of the saying, “only time will tell?” Well, this applies perfectly for example. Many things in life need time but we sometimes do not pay attention, and we go against time because we are so focused on wanting something readily and being able to get it. That’s why some couples who took major decisions while at the honeymoon stage face a massive shock when problems come along. It is natural to be upset; it is natural to argue, but when we think that everything is perfect, an argument might disrupt things a lot. People might get confused and think that because you are arguing or facing troubles now, it’s the sign of a bigger storm approaching your relationship, but it is not always like that. In this case people who had been in relationships where everything was perfect before, but it feels like they are not right now, need to understand that it is completely normal and that a good relationship is not only based on how much fun you have and how impeccable everything is; it is also based on your ability to work on problems together and build a solid structure. Do not regret things; do not think you took the wrong decision immediately. Instead, you need to focus on working on these new angles of your relationship.

  The second example or second scenario is couples who have been together for a long time. It can be couples that have either been in a good steady relationship for a long time and then decided to get married, and are now facing problems in the new phase of their lives; or couples who simply have been married for too long and have been through different things; couples who might have lost faith in conflict resolution. These couples are often guilty of something, which is letting routine get in the way of things, but are not able to see that this is the real problem. They often tend to think that the passion is gone. If you feel like you are one of such people, do not panic! As the famous Greek philosopher, Heraclitus of Ephesus said, everything changes. Although this is not necessarily bad, when it comes to relationships, it means we need to see
things from a different perspective or try a different approach. Even if something worked in the past, it doesn’t necessarily mean it is going to work this time. Sometimes we need a bright new approach, a different strategy. We often look at people and think about how much they have changed, but we need to look at ourselves and think about how we have changed as well. There are different types of change - change in personality and change in attitude. Frequently, both of these get mixed up. In most occasions, we perceive or we are under a change in attitude rather than being in a full personality one. Our attitude can be different due to one or multiple reasons such as an experience, an event, a comment, our current mood, etc. When we are under this change in attitude, we need to think of how we can go back to our old selves. If the other person is the one manifesting this behavior, it is important to find a way to help them out instead of jumping to bad conclusions or giving up so easily. No matter how long you have been with someone, or how many things you go through, you will always have to face something else with time. That’s just part of life, and it happens to every couple. The key here is to stop focusing only on the adversities because there are many things to celebrate as well, and at the end of the day, there are more positive things than bad ones.

  Knowing the scenario you are in can be important because it can help you understand what it is exactly that you are going through, and what you possibly need to do to overcome it. However, do not worry if you can’t identify straight away what the problem is, or if you feel that your problem is so peculiar others cannot experience it. Solutions are always the most important matter. Even though it is highly important to know what the troubles are, or identify the root of the problem, the most important thing here is to reach our goal, to strengthen our marriage, and being able to enjoy all aspects of things like the romance, the sex life, you name it!

  The importance of sex in a relationship

  Sex is without a doubt one aspect of almost every relationship, and in many relationships, it plays an important role. Sex is an act that is completely normal and healthy within a marriage. It is a special act that creates a bond with our partner. Unfortunately, sex tends to be one of the most prominent problems in relationships. Sex is usually one of the things that drastically changes with time in a marriage, and in most cases, it does not change for good. There are different complains that married people often express about sex. One of the usual unconformities tends to be that sex is not the same anymore as it used to be, or complains because of the lack of it. Many spouses also admit to knowing why or when things changed. Often, things such as exhaustion, stress, self-confidence problems, other relationship issues or external factors are to blame. These things are valid and problems sometimes just happen. However, we cannot let problems take over an aspect of our lives; at least, not forever. So if we notice that there is something affecting our sexual life just like any other problem, we must try to battle it.

  You will often hear people saying that sex is not everything in a relationship, and they are absolutely right. It is not. However, we all have the right to enjoy our sexual life, so never be afraid or embarrassed to speak about your concerns with your partner, and to come up with ideas of things you will like to give a try.

  The importance of showing affection in a relationship

  As sex is a way to manifest love and desire in a physical form, it is also one of the ways of showing different signs of affection. What is affection? Affection is a physical way to express different positive emotions that we feel about someone, such as love, gratitude, happiness, etc. It is a way to show that you care about someone. There are many ways to express affection such as: holding hands with someone, kissing them somewhere, hugging them, touching them, listening to them, paying attention to what they have to say. In general, doing things that we believe will make this person feel special.

  If you feel like you have stopped doing any of these things, it is important to put them on practice again as they are also a vital element of relationships. It is proven that affection plays a big role in many healthy long term relationships. The lack of it can make someone feel undesired, unloved, and even depressed. As human beings, we need contact. Being treated in a kind loving manner by those who are close to us has always been one of our needs. As a perfect example, when you think about couples, we instantly think about couples being affectionate to each other, kissing, hugging or any of the other things that we mentioned above. In fact, the way we show affection and interact with our partners is one most important signal because it is very different to the way we show affection or interact with our children, parents, siblings, friends or anybody else. It is much more intimate.

  There is also a co-relationship between affection and sex since sex can be considered a way to show our affection to our partner. The act of sex is more than just intercourse. There are many other actions involved that we do during or before sex such as: kissing, complementing the other, touching and more. Doing all these things will make you find more pleasure in your sexual experience. So in other words, being more affectionate can help you not only to make your partner feel special; it will also help you to enjoy your sexual encounter.

  What if my partner isn’t co-operating?

  Since a marriage takes two, many things do not depend only on us as individuals. They also depend on the other half of the relationship. If you are the one responsible for something, it is very easy to reflect on it and try to change it. If both of you are doing the same, it is very easy to talk it out and get to a mutual agreement. After all, working things out as a couple is one of the healthiest things in a relationship. But, what if your partner is the one responsible for you two being distant from each other romantically and sexually?

  1. First of all, do not jump into conclusions! If you don’t know why they are acting strange, do not assume the worst at first. Do not think it is because your partner does not love you anymore or does not desire you or even something worse. There can be a thousand reasons why they are behaving that way. We also spend too much time dwelling on how things got to this point, even if we know something can be helpful to remedy the situation. It means we can come to a solution easily and we can try not to do the same mistakes again. It is always important to move forward and advance to the next stage, which is actually to solve the problem. Having information is helpful but if you do not put it into practice, then you are not going to get to the point where you want to be.

  2. Even if you feel that the responsibility lies with your partner, do not make them feel like they are the whole problem. This never helps and it will just lead to more confrontations. How would you feel if all fingers were pointed at you? It is okay to express to them how you feel, but be careful with the way you address things.

  3. If your partner is not the talking-type, or you have tried talking but you’re still stuck in the same situation, try an approach based on actions. Spend quality time with your partner, try to spend time alone with them, go on dates; do activities that both of you enjoy; go somewhere significant for the two of you. Try to find a way to bond with your spouse.

  4. Do not leave intimacy behind even if you are the person who has to “make the move.” Your partner will more than likely appreciate it. It is good to feel wanted and desired, so do not to be afraid to be sexual. Although, since we are all different, try and do it in a way that makes your partner feel comfortable.

  5. Do things at an appropriate time. For some of us, there is never a wrong time to be kissing, holding hands and being clingy. However, for others, this is not the case. Some people are very shy or serious. Therefore, if your partner does not enjoy PDA (public demonstration of affection) that much, then make sure to do it in private or whenever it is not going to cause discomfort. If you do not appreciate PDA that much but your partner does, do not just stop them abruptly; try to stop them from doing so in a nice way so that they don’t feel rejected; and make up for it later on.

  Also, be careful and learn to read the scenarios even if you mean to do g
ood. Sometimes, it can come across as bad or inappropriate if it’s not done at the right time. For example, if your partner is feeling unwell, it might not be the best time to have sex. There is a right time for everything.

  6. Last but not least, get creative. Being creative and coming up with new ideas is always great! So go eat at that restaurant that you’ve always wanted to try; give a try to that sex position you always wanted to do; come up with new things to implement into your intimacy; all that is okay. Apart from being fun, it is part of self-discovery and it strengthens your relationship. Romance is not always dead, it just needs to be seen differently at times. Do what works for both of you.

  Reconnecting and

  Finding Mutual Grounds

  We all have different opinions, requirements, and preferences when it comes to sex and sometimes, it is hard to speak about it since it is something so private. But we should never be ashamed of speaking about it with our spouses. Our spouse is supposed to be one of the people if not the ONE person we trust the most; a person that we can talk to about anything. Spouses are there to make each other happy, comfortable, and to look after each other.

  We already know what to do to solve certain issues but sometimes it is not that simple, because your spouse might think and act different, or as seen in some cases, your spouse might be the complete opposite of you. Because in love anything can happen, you are always going to see different cases, and it’s only normal to have cases where the couple disagrees. Disagreements are not always that terrible as they sound, and often the solution is very simple. It’s just a matter of finding a balance. In an ideal world, there would be no problem and everything will be smooth and simple; however, this is not the reality. In real life, even couples who are very similar in personality and have the same interests disagree with something. After all, we are not replicas of each other, and how boring will life be if everything and everybody were the same, right?